Chaos Anyone?

Well, it's been a while. It seems that since Levi has been home our lives have somehow slipped, quite quickly, into chaos...and the miracle is that I'm surviving. When I went into the hospital on November 2nd, ambulanced to Wichita November 3rd, and delivered Levi by C-section on November 4th I thought things couldn't get any more out of my control. After Levi had been in the hospital just over three weeks, we were sent home and with a little fear, I let out a big sigh of relief.

Less than a week later, Brian interviewed for a new job, he was offered the job, he accepted the job, we celebrated the holidays and then POOF...just like that he moved to Illinois. For three weeks the kids and I stayed behind to pack the house and finish up medical issues with Levi. Those who have moved know very well that the time just before the move is absolutely draining. During that time, Brian found, offered, and bought a house in Illinois...the only thing was, we couldn't be in it until the end of February.

So...here we are. It's the end of February and after four long weeks...with one more to go...we are about to move into our home. After four long weeks of my children sleeping in pack in plays and Brian and I in dorm beds, we will finally move into our home. Shortly after that, Levi will turn four months old. The poor boy doesn't even know what a home feels like!

In the four plus weeks we've been in Illinois, Levi has begun to babble and smile. I think I even heard a giggle! Culley has discovered Elmo, The Cat in the Hat, the toilet (yes...she's started peeing AND pooping on the potty), snow, Valentine's candy, words, words, words, and more words.

In the process of all of this, I have rediscovered mommyhood for God's glory. It's incredibly easy to forget my purpose in life, to become irritable and impatient. It's easy to be more focused on Culley's behavior because of how it makes me look, rather than her offensive sin against God. But the amazing miracle in all of this is that regardless of how much chaos is around me and how unsettled my life has been, and even how I have allowed sinful habits to form...God softly calls me back to Him where there is no chaos, my spirit is settled, and my sin is forgiven. That, friends and family, is truly when I feel most at home.

I've erased this post twice now...so I'm just going to quit for now. So much has happened and so much is on my mind that I can't get them organized into coherent ideas so they can be understood.

So...for now: we are doing great. Levi is almost 8 pounds and Cj is talking more and more and more and more and more.

More to come...soon, I hope.

7 Weeks Old Today!

Seven weeks ago Levi was born...almost four weeks ago we brought our miracle baby home from the hospital. I can't pretend it's been easy. Those of you who know me, know that I'm not generally one who enjoys being tied down and confined. As with any trial or difficult circumstance, adrenaline tends to run out eventually and we realize that we've been trying to get to the clearing on our own strength. Mine ran out about a week ago. As I look back, it wasn't even my strength that pushed me that far, but I was finally shoved to the ground and forced to my knees. Then gently, as with a child who needs to look their father in the eyes, my chin was lifted and softly I gazed into my loving Father's eyes for renewal and strength. I want to share part of my journal entry from that time...I pray it encourages you as I have reread it at various times in the last week for my own reminder and encouragement. That morning I "happened" to have parts of Psalm 139 speaking to me...so that's where I turned when I found myself at the bottom of a mountain that seemed too difficult to climb.

The last four to five months, and particularly the last two, have gone so fast...honestly, from one trial to another. Through each one I have fought and battled to love God with my mind and to think only on that which is true. I have fought and battled for God's strength physically and emotionally. With Levi in the hospital, God's strength is the only source that kept me going. He provided.

Now the chaos from the last two months is finally settling but the demands upon me are actually increasing. "Real" life is resuming...and I desperately want it to...but Levi isn't ready for that, which means I can't be either. It has been difficult to see Culley and Brian able to resume somewhat of a normal routine and life...and I often get left behind because I'm so tired and feeding Levi is incredibly tedious right now. We nurse, then I top him off with a bottle, then I pump to keep an ample supply. Getting ready to go somewhere takes great effort and then being out and about is often draining. At the end of my days...most days...it seems that all I accomplished was feeding Levi. Did I mention how tired I am?

And yet, not one of these details has slipped through my loving Father's notice and each day has sovereignly been ordained by Him. I have read Psalm 139 over and over again with each of my pregnancies...and rightly so. But sometimes I must read it, know it, and understand it to be true of my life too. Each day is purposed by God...even those lonely, exhausting nights and days. How will I respond? Still I will praise Him!

Now...let's throw a few more details into the mix. Brian's new job, a move to Illinois, setting Levi up with a pediatrician, and saying goodbye to my family and an AMAZING church family. Still I will praise Him! There is never a circumstance or trial that God allows in my life that He will not also enable me to withstand. I can be sure that when all of this is over and done with...and life has somewhat calmed down...my faith will be stronger and I pray that my character will be visibly more like Christ.

Still I will praise Him!

YIKES

So...I've been MIA for a few days. Some of you already know...and others are patiently waiting to be updated. Thursday I posted that we just weren't sure how close the light was at the end of the tunnel...well...it was quite a bit closer than we thought. In fact...Friday when I walked into Levi's room, the resident doctor was there and asked if we would rather head home Saturday or Sunday. GULP! To my surprise...Levi was eating like a champ and gaining weight so there was no need for him to remain in the hospital. So...at 3:00 p.m. they moved us to Family Care where we stay in a room with Levi for 24 hours to get used to fully caring for him. 3:00 p.m. on Saturday we were walking out of the hospital with our son and daughter headed home. I can't tell you the conflicting emotions that were swirling inside as we loaded our cars and drove off. But, regardless of all of that, Levi is doing great...Culley LOVES being home and she is VERY concerned that her brother be taken care of if he even grunts. :) We are all extremely excited to be in our own home and adjusting to our new family member.

I can't take much more time...I need to get going but as soon as I can, I'll be back with some more musings and ramblings!

Blessings today!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Whew! Do we have a gigantic list to be thankful for this year! Seriously...have you ever noticed when going through a trial or some tough circumstance in your life and God's hand is so vividly evident that paraise and thanksgiving come so naturally? I've found that today...as my reasons for thanksgiving are crystal clear to those reading this blog...that one thankful thought led to another, and another, and another. It seems to me that once our hearts are in the mode of thankfulness, the ball just keeps rolling. I guess my challenge is clear...to keep on going and not let the gravity of life slow my thankful heart!

Today Levi took all eight of his feedings by bottle. This means he will soon get his feeding tube out and we will soon be talking about going home. I don't know if this means 48 hours...four days...or a week. Hopefully we will know more after talking to the doctor tomorrow. Culley is even ready to bring "Lebi" home. When we left the hospital today she yelled "Lebi!" all the way home because she just couldn't stand the thought of leaving him there.

So...even though we don't know how close the light is at the end...there is a light. :) Thank you so much for your prayers...I'll keep you updated!

We're Making Progress!

Brian went back to work Monday morning. Culley went to Grandma Lambert's for a few days. So it has been Levi and me hanging out all day.

Yesterday he did a tremendous job taking half or more of his bottle. So...you can imagine my absolute astonishment this morning when I walked in and he had taken two FULL bottles during the early hours of the day. And by 8:00 p.m when I left tonight he had taken four full bottles today...half of his feedings. He is doing so well...and he just keeps plugging away...working hard at coming home. He still gets so tuckered out that we had to feed him twice today with the feeding tube just to let him rest from all the energy he expends during his bottle feedings.

I feel so proud to be his mommy!

Broken Heart

My heart was broken. In the past couple of weeks, through this entire journey with Levi and our family my heart has never felt broken...hurt and somewhat disappointed at times, but never broken...until the other day.

After two weeks at Wesley we have established somewhat of a routine in which Brian and I take turns going back to the hospital in the evening to put Levi to bed while the other stays at the apartment to put Culley down. This particular night was my night. I remember being significantly more tired this night than other nights so my mother-in-law went with me. We were on our way down the elevator when a young girl walked in. I was so focused on how tired and drained I felt...feeling sorry for myself as I had to leave my baby boy yet once again...wondering when we would all be back in our nice, warm, cozy home. I heard this young girl say, "Levi, huh?" Realizing I still had my ID on with Levi's name pasted on the front, I glanced at her and said, "yep." She continued to tell me that she knew a Levi and thought it was an uncommon name. Small talk for which I just couldn't find the energy.

When the elevator hit the ground floor she began walking out with us and once again she started chatting away. When she said she was a former NICU mom I took a longer look at her. She was about 5 feet tall with dyed, black, short hair...capri's and a sweatshirt, which were both overly baggy on her. But the thing struck me most was the kindness in her face. She just seemed like a kind girl. I began to take more notice of her chatter and finally began to ask her questions. And this is when my heart began to break: Her daughter was born on June 13 at 1 lb. She was still in the hospital but medically ready to go home. When I asked the young girl what the hold up was she explained that she was a foster child, and her daughter would also be a foster child and they were simply waiting for a new placement. My heart shattered. I'm sure my eyes were growing round and large as she smiled and said, "well...best of luck with everything." And she walked out the door.

Oh how I wanted to chase her and wrap my arms around her and say I would do it! I would take her and her baby home with me! But instead I prayed to the God of the universe who is sovereign over all things that He would place her in a Christian home where she would hear the gospel of Christ and learn to love Christ more than anything. Being at Wesley both Brian and I have realized how much of a need there is for babies and children to be adopted...babies in the NICU who are waiting for foster parents...there is a tremendous need far greater than we can ever comprehend. And my heart aches for each of the babies who don't have a warm and cozy home to look forward to.

Feeding

We continue to work with Levi feeding from a bottle instead of his feeding tube. Generally, if he is awake at mealtime we start with a bottle until he gets tuckered out and then finish through his feeding tube. When we began this endeavor Levi would take about 5cc of milk and most of it would end up on his burp rag. When all of this began, I had no idea how difficult learning how to suck, swallow, and breathe at the same time would be. Full term babies are born with this skill...which is developed sometime around 34-35 weeks gestation. Levi is basically learning how to walk and chew gum at the same time...a skill many in my family have yet to learn :)

We've been at it a couple of days now...and today Levi had three successive feeds bottling 20-25 cc of his 40cc bottle...with only a little dribbling out. He's getting better. We continue to wait for him to decide his own timing...which seems to be the story of his life.

Regardless of how tough these last couple of weeks have been...we have so much for which to be thankful. But that's a post for next week, huh?