Seven weeks ago Levi was born...almost four weeks ago we brought our miracle baby home from the hospital. I can't pretend it's been easy. Those of you who know me, know that I'm not generally one who enjoys being tied down and confined. As with any trial or difficult circumstance, adrenaline tends to run out eventually and we realize that we've been trying to get to the clearing on our own strength. Mine ran out about a week ago. As I look back, it wasn't even my strength that pushed me that far, but I was finally shoved to the ground and forced to my knees. Then gently, as with a child who needs to look their father in the eyes, my chin was lifted and softly I gazed into my loving Father's eyes for renewal and strength. I want to share part of my journal entry from that time...I pray it encourages you as I have reread it at various times in the last week for my own reminder and encouragement. That morning I "happened" to have parts of Psalm 139 speaking to me...so that's where I turned when I found myself at the bottom of a mountain that seemed too difficult to climb.
The last four to five months, and particularly the last two, have gone so fast...honestly, from one trial to another. Through each one I have fought and battled to love God with my mind and to think only on that which is true. I have fought and battled for God's strength physically and emotionally. With Levi in the hospital, God's strength is the only source that kept me going. He provided.
Now the chaos from the last two months is finally settling but the demands upon me are actually increasing. "Real" life is resuming...and I desperately want it to...but Levi isn't ready for that, which means I can't be either. It has been difficult to see Culley and Brian able to resume somewhat of a normal routine and life...and I often get left behind because I'm so tired and feeding Levi is incredibly tedious right now. We nurse, then I top him off with a bottle, then I pump to keep an ample supply. Getting ready to go somewhere takes great effort and then being out and about is often draining. At the end of my days...most days...it seems that all I accomplished was feeding Levi. Did I mention how tired I am?
And yet, not one of these details has slipped through my loving Father's notice and each day has sovereignly been ordained by Him. I have read Psalm 139 over and over again with each of my pregnancies...and rightly so. But sometimes I must read it, know it, and understand it to be true of my life too. Each day is purposed by God...even those lonely, exhausting nights and days. How will I respond? Still I will praise Him!
Now...let's throw a few more details into the mix. Brian's new job, a move to Illinois, setting Levi up with a pediatrician, and saying goodbye to my family and an AMAZING church family. Still I will praise Him! There is never a circumstance or trial that God allows in my life that He will not also enable me to withstand. I can be sure that when all of this is over and done with...and life has somewhat calmed down...my faith will be stronger and I pray that my character will be visibly more like Christ.
Still I will praise Him!
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2 comments:
Someone once told me that a type A personality makes a list of 25 things that need to be accomplished in a day and is disappointed when only 23 are completed ... and if a type B personality makes a list of 10 things they are happy when 2 are accomplished. As a type "AA" ... I love you and am praying for you!!!
oh Jodi, what a journey you have been on, and continue on. i think of you all often and pray for the various and numerous transitions you are going through. Love you so much!
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