Fish Christmas

We traveled to Indiana for Christmas this year. We were together with the Fish family for the 24th. This was Culley's first Christmas Eve candlelight dinner. She loved every minute with her cousins.

Grandma Fish gave Culley her very own Bible story book. It is her first. :)

Aunt Michelle, Uncle Brad, Braden, Mason, Payton, and Ashlyn gave Culley an advent calendar...I am very excited to use it next year! If you can see Payton's face...that's how Culley feels inside. :)

We are only missing Will, Jacob, and Jenna! We missed you guys!

It would also seem that the more excited her cousins were, the bigger she felt! She walked across Grandma Fish's living room floor with her new toy as she was encouraged by an audience of adoring cousins.

Thanks for a GREAT Christmas!

Christmas Pictures LONG Overdue!

These first pictures are of our first family Christmas...and Culley's first attempt at opening gifts.


We had our Christmas on Saturday, the 18th, since we would be traveling during the holidays. Since Culley sleeps until about 9:00 right now we took advantage of sleeping in as we know that there will be very few Christmas mornings we will get to sleep that late. She didn't skip a beat and had a ton of fun playing with all of her toys...ummm...well actually she had a ton of fun playing with the paper that wrapped her toys.


Regardless, it was a joy to watch her open her gifts even though she had no idea what she was doing.


Brian and I got her a little push-walker that converts to a car...since she is trying to walk we thought we'd just help her along. She loved it!


I hope she's this excited every Christmas! :)

Psalm 119:11

Pastor Rick preached on Psalm 119:11 yesterday. It is fascinating to me how God can take what we are learning and struggling through in our own lives and align them with sermons or studies that we are doing. Even though the angle that Pastor took yesterday was different than what I've been dealing with, I think that what he said enlightened my own understanding.

"I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you."

Pastor's point yesterday was that we posses in our hands the very words of God. It is God's spoken word to us. However, the question is not whether I have a Bible, but do I have the Bible in me? According to this verse, it is not owning and simply reading the Bible that keeps me from sin...rather it is the storing up and treasuring that changes me and keeps me from sin. He related that implanting the word of God will help in my striving for holiness. It will prevent wrong thinking in me, it will provide counsel, instruct my prayers, lead my life, relieve temptation, help against afflictions, and grant grace.

One thought that I've been mulling over in my heart and mind is how much my own thoughts are more affected by the culture around me rather than the Word. I find myself thinking that small, sinful thoughts are fine. I let so many small "unhurtful" ideas slip in and take root in my mind. I am bombarded day in and day out with our culture and what the world says is normal. The problem here is that I am more inundated with the culture around me than the Word of God. Pastor's sermon yesterday was (probably obvious to most) an epiphany that if I am storing and treasuring, meditating and thinking upon scripture then everything the world tells me will automatically go through the filter of God's Word...and that ought to align what I believe is true and right with what God says is true and right.

I was also struck with the realization that I read the Bible with my own cultural view dictating how I understand the truth I read, when the opposite ought to be true. I must read the Bible and allow it's truths to dictate my cultural view. I am finding that many things that I perceived to be true growing up are not necessarily biblical. As a girl I soaked in what people told me was right and wrong. I created my own conclusions about stories and characters in the Bible. I listened to what others said was in the Bible rather than digging in and reading for myself. Once I got older I began to read the Bible based upon preconceived ideas that had developed throughout the years. These preconceived ideas have been blown up and shattered in many cases because the Word of God will shatter lies if we read it and pray to understand it rather than read it through the filter of our own beliefs. These two realizations have given me a new appreciation for the work of the Holy Spirit in my life as I know I cannot do it on my own.

It often seems that the growth I have experienced in the last couple of years has led me to understand more and more who I am and more and more who God is. My sin is more evident to me than ever before...but the beauty of this is that God's grace and love is more precious and beautiful than at any other time in my life. His Word is the only thing that will continue to show me His beauty and grace. It is the only thing that will change me.

Why is Change so Hard?

I asked for and Brian gave me a new study Bible for my birthday. It's interesting how the transition from my old Bible to my new one has produced in me a plethora of conflicting emotions. I don't mean conflicting emotions that teasingly mock each other, but emotions that are so fierce and strong I have to actually smile and shake my head. Here's what I mean.

There is a loyalty to my old Bible that is tied in countless knots. This loyalty is fighting to keep my old Bible and all of its memories off of the shelf. See...my loyalty stems from 10 years of amazing, winding, mountainous roads on my journey with the Lord. This Bible has been with me as I transitioned from an irresponsible college student to a full-fledged responsible teacher in charge of the literary education of over 125 students. The words in that Bible guided me through leading discipleship groups and being discipled. It counseled me through singleness and heartache. My Bible records dates and times of vitally important passages at major crossroads in my life: moving to Turkey, living in Turkey, praying for missionaries I know around the world, leaving one job without securing another, finding a new job, meeting Brian, dating Brian, discontentment in my job, reverse culture shock, planning a wedding, getting married, moving back to small town Kansas, going to China, nine months of pregnancy, giving birth, and eight months of motherhood. In those 10 years there are so many other experiences and lessons that God taught me. Some were excruciatingly hard. Others joyful and exciting. All the Bible studies and sermons that I listened to in those 10 years are somehow recorded in that book as well. The loyalty is so strong that I often feel guilty for trading it in.

On the other hand, there is an intense excitement to be able to start this new era of my life with a new version, a new Bible, and a new outlook on my life as a changed person. I'm attached to the old Bible because it holds so many memories and records God's faithfulness to me through that time in my life. But it's not that specific book that brought me life and strength during those 10 years. It's not that specific book with that specific binding that spoke life into my soul and taught me truth. No...God's word is alive. It doesn't live in a Bible that I'm attached to for all the memories. No...this new Bible will speak the same truth, will hold me with the same strong truths about God as my old one did because it's God's spoken, written words to me.

What will another 10 years bring? I am incredibly excited to see the memories and prayers and dates that I write in this new Bible. As I embark upon another era of my life...a very different one from the last 10 years...I will once again get to experience and see God's faithfulness through His word. So, every time I look longingly at my old, tattered, Bible (the book of Genesis often finds itself tucked out of order since it's totally fallen out) I remember 10 years of God's faithfulness to me...and look forward to many more years of growing in intimacy with Him.

Would You Like a Vent-a?

We just spent two weeks on the road for Christmas break. Brian's family is from South Bend, Indiana so we set out on the afternoon of the 22nd to drive part of our 15 1/2 hour trek. We spent about a week in Indiana and then headed west to my parent's farm in Kansas. We decided we would make this leg of our trip in one day. So, 16 hours later with aching backs and exhausted minds we made it safely to the country. Culley was close to perfect. Of those 31 1/2 hours she fussed for about four total. Not a bad percentage...God is good. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with Brian. It seems that those hours on the road are some of the most intimate conversations we have because I have his complete attention and he has mine.

Both Brian and I tend to be city folk. Even though I grew up on the farm and he grew up in the country, there is ,deep in our hearts, a love for the city. There are many reasons for this, but one is our love for the convenience of life. Starbucks is one of the conveniences we miss. Here in our small town the local coffee shop opens at 7:30 a.m. and closes at 5:30. Too late to get a cup before work, and too early to go after. So we take advantage of every trip to the nearest town 30 miles away where the "local" Starbucks resides.

In the past year, however, we have been deeply disappointed with Starbucks. They have begun to only brew a bold blend in the mornings and claim they are not allowed to brew it after 12:00 noon. When we ordered a decaf at 8:30 p.m. on our date night they didn't have it brewed and offered us a decaf Americano instead. For those of you who know me...this is unacceptable. If I order a brewed coffee...I want a brewed coffee. Others claim that at least they have their common blend, Pike's Place, brewed all day. My response to those who think I should drink Pike's Place is this: if I wanted convenience store/McDonald's coffee I would go to a convenience store or McDonald's. I go to Starbucks for bold, good coffee.

So, on our trip to Indiana we stopped at a Starbucks for Brian to get a coffee in order to stay alert while he drove. As has been the norm they only had Pike's Place brewed. Brian settled and I refused. Highly disappointed with his luck, and increasingly perturbed with mine we left and I made a resolve to never, ever settle for less than good coffee at Starbucks. If they don't have a bold blend brewed I will walk out with nothing. I will not settle for Pike's Place and I will not buy a more expensive drink.

Our time in Indiana ended and we loaded up our car early on the morning of the 28th. Brian again needed a good cup of joe and since it was before 12:00 noon we went to the nearest Starbucks to grab our coffee. It had been a long, long, long time since I had been able to enjoy a bold brew. It was lovely. It was beautiful. It was perfectly enjoyable and for one moment...or at least a Venti moment...Starbucks was forgiven.

14 hours later we traveled through the middle of Nebraska. It was getting late and Brian needed one last jolt to get us to the farm. He spotted the Starbucks' sign from the interstate in York, Nebraska. As he pulled onto the exit ramp I let him know that I would not be getting anything...maybe a Refresh tea if they had it, but not a coffee. As he pulled into the drive-thru the mechanical voice in a very southern accent said, "Hello, my name is Ste-ella. Welcome to Starbucks. What can I get started for you this evening?" Brian looked at me, smirked as though he already knew the answer to the question he was about to ask and said, "you don't happen to have a bold brewed do you?" Ste-ella southernly answered, "well yes I do...I made it just for you. Would you like a Vent-a?" I'm not sure if the giggle escaped my lips because there was actually a bold brewed or because she had called it a vent-a...but regardless, she became our absolute most favorite Starbucks employee. Brian ordered a Vent-a bold and I ordered a Vent-a tea. Ste-ella chatted it up at the window and we truly appreciated her friendly personality. As we sped off into the night I told Brian that she just redeemed Starbucks for me. At a small Starbucks in the small, Nebraska town of York there is a Starbucks employee who deserves a really big bonus.

Unfortunately I will go back to my small Starbucks 30 miles away and be consistently disappointed with their service. But I will always smile and remember the small amount of joy we had as we drove through York, Nebraska.

"Would you like a Vent-a?"

Absolutely. :)

Culley's Pictures...

My friend, Candace, an up and coming photographer, came to my parent's farm over Thanksgiving and took some pictures of Culley. I learned a few things about Culley that day. She is definitely not a performer and we had a difficult time getting her to smile. But I think Candace caught her personality perfectly. We had a ton of fun and I think the pics turned out great! I've put some of my favorites below. Thanks Candace!

Culley's First Snow

A couple of weeks ago we put up our tree. I was ready for Culley to come down in the morning interested and curious about the lights and the "big green thing." I was ready for battle. Now...two weeks later she hasn't even given it a second look. So when we got our first snow, I thought it would be a good time to try to get some pictures. Again...she didn't even seem interested in the tree.



She never ceases to amaze me. In the weeks since football season ended she has begun to crawl like a big girl (no more inch worm), she has pulled herself up, she has climbed the stairs, fallen from the first step, she has her first tooth, and much, much more. So much happens in the first year of life. I am so incredibly blessed to be able to observe and watch her grow. I have been able to see each of her "firsts" and I pray that I'll be able to experience many more with her!

Merry Christmas to everyone...and blessings each day!

Me, Myself, and I

It's been a while since I've even been to my own blog. It seems that this whole motherhood thing takes a bit more time than I had anticipated. In fact, it seems this whole motherhood thing is a lot more of everything than I anticipated. The joys are so much more beautiful than I thought and every time I look at my little girl I am thankful for the chance to be her mother. At the same time...every time I look at my little girl I am reminded of so much of my spiritual depravity and pray that she is everything I am not. God has been taking many blinders off of my eyes lately...and in just six short months He has revealed the ugliness of my heart. It's beautiful, really...because as I become uglier His grace and mercy become more brilliant in my life.

One sin that God is revealing in my life is how wrapped up in myself I am. Unfortunately, all other sins tend to sprout up from this one root. I worry because I am wrapped up in myself. I stress because I am wrapped up in myself. I feel defeated because I am wrapped up in myself. I slander, I gossip, I speak unkindly because I am wrapped up in myself. I am tired and lazy because I am wrapped up in myself. I complain and I get angry because I am wrapped up in myself. I am discontent and envious because I am wrapped up in myself. Anytime I feel I deserve or need something I am wrapped up in myself. Anytime that I feel I just can't go on I am wrapped up in myself.

This culture and its lies sneak in and say that I deserve a night off. I deserve rest. I deserve to let up. I deserve to find fulfillment for myself. On the surface it appears innocent. But it is not innocent. It is a lie. If Christ is my example then I do no deserve anything other than to serve others...my husband, my daughter, my church, my neighbors. Christ washed Judas' feet even though he knew Judas would betray him. I'm so thankful that on the way to the cross Jesus did not stop and say, "Wait. I'm feeling a bit tired and worn out. I think I need to rest and recover from these hard days. Maybe we can finish this some other time."

Maybe my thinking is all messed up. Maybe I need to renew my mind with scripture and the Truth of God's word. Maybe people would see more of Christ in me if I let go of the idea that I deserve something...but rather I held to the example of Christ. I am far from this person and motherhood has shown me just how far I need to go...but God's grace is beautiful today!

Oh God...un-warp my mind and unwrap me of myself so that only Christ is seen for His glory and not mine. Would I serve like there is no tomorrow.