The Baby

I've been a bit hesitant to write about my pregnancy for various reasons. One is that so many other people have already gone through one or many pregnancies and in my mind they probably have absolutely no desire to read about another experience. They have their special memories. I also have received various reactions when talking with people about my pregnancy. Some discount all the fun things happening right now...and I'll hear things like, "just wait until you're eight months pregnant, then you won't be so excited." Or what about, "just wait until you actually have the baby. Your life as you know it is gone and your life is no longer your own. Time for yourself will be a long lost thing of the past." I know that all of these things are true. I do. I wouldn't have decided to have a baby if I wasn't ready to accept giving up my "life as I know it." Sometimes I just want to enjoy the now. I just want to be 18 weeks pregnant and feel the baby move for the first time. I want to just enjoy the present moments when God reminds me quietly of the little miracle he's given. I know the future is coming but it's so easy for us to live life looking to next month or next summer. I'm trying to just look at now and enjoy it while it's here.

So...with that long introduction, this post is especially for Judy B and Kim. They both have asked for specific posts, so here it goes...

In the last three weeks people (and even my doctor) have asked if I've felt the baby move. Each time I said "no" the woman would smile and say, "oh, it's the best thing! Don't worry, you'll feel it." The first time I felt the baby move I was sitting in the Kansas City airport at about 6:00 a.m. Brian and I were waiting to fly to Indiana for Thanksgiving. I was reading and waiting when all of a sudden a little flutter kissed my slightly growing belly. I knew right away. I closed my eyes to fight the tears that were threatening to come. I wanted time to stand still for just a moment. I wanted to cherish this moment that God gave to just me in the midst of hundreds of other people. Most of all, I wanted it to happen again...so I waited for a few minutes. Nothing. But, I wasn't quite prepared for the immense joy I felt when I leaned over to Brian and whispered, "I just felt our baby move." Tears lined his his eyes and we just sat there smiling for a moment...our moment.

There is nothing more relieving than to feel that flutter. I can't express fully the complete sense of joy. However, I would be lying if every day in the past 18 weeks I've been so sure of the next step in my life. Not because I'm not sure I don't want children, but because I doubt my ability as a mother (as I'm sure all mothers do). It's one thing to be an aunt to 20 little kiddos...it's another thing entirely to be responsible for the spiritual growth and development of my own. It was during a conversation with Brian that the words just spilled out of my mouth without even realizing it..."I won't be a perfect mother, but I'm the perfect mother for this child." It hit me then that God has hand-picked me to be the mother of this particular baby...humbling and comforting at the same time.

Today I'm relieved that we serve a sovereign God.